I don’t usually do this — those of you who followed me from LiveJournal can attest — but I’m going to spend some time thinking. I’m exhausted, stressed, pressed, anxious, proud, and excited…it’s really draining to be such a mix of emotions.
Near my computer is my lambskin apron, and on my hand is the Ring of the Lodge of Perfection. It’s amazing how deeply and quickly Freemasonry has touched me. I wanted to feel this way about ΘΧ, but I never really did: I admired the ideals of the Helping Hand, and I still appreciate the sentiment and feel close to many of my Brothers from there, but there was something missing from it, and I don’t know what. I’m sure everyone who knew me then could tell me what they thought was missing — I could tell you some possibilities, too — but Freemasonry has gotten to me in ways that ΘΧ never did. Freemasonry seems to be an excellent match for me, though: it’s an omnipresent organization dedicated to philanthropy, with high ideals and impressive rituals, based in a belief in God and a constitutional government but not particularly worrying about the details of those beliefs. It’s exactly the kind of thing I had been looking for, and I’m glad I discovered it while I was so young.
This weekend I’m going to Princeton to check it out. I’m still trying to decide between Columbia and Princeton — Princeton is really the foremost Presbyterian seminary, but Columbia has an exceedingly strong Old Testament history and (as far as I can tell) a lot of forward momentum. I’ve gotten onto the Presbytery Committe for Preparation for Ministry, and I’m going to talk to some of the seminarians about their experiences. I don’t know where the current candidates are from, but I’m looking forward to talking with them about their experiences. And I’m really looking forward to seeing what the process is and what the thoughts are for potential ministers — it’s such a unique life calling that it’s interesting to talk about people who want to do it.
In any case, I’m heading out to Princeton. I’m looking forward to it: I’ve not been on an Ivy League campus before. I went to Vanderbilt for a ΘΧ conference, which was as close as I’ve ever gotten. Vanderbilt was great — it’s a beautiful campus, and I liked Nashville quite a bit. I’m considering doing Vanderbilt for my Ph.D.: it’s got a lot of diversity of thought, and while Princeton is well known for its scholars, it is not well known for its diversity. That’s a decision that is a long, long time in the future.
There are lots of things going on right now — this year has had some astounding transitions. I’ve recently gotten in touch with my favorite high school teacher, and things have really been changing with him, too: it was weird getting coffee with him and being on a first name basis after walking that weird line between teacher/student and friend. I have also been trying to get in touch with a lot of the other people who helped shape me into who I am: I’ve got this sense that I’ve gotten a bit lost, so I want to back up and take another start at this.
I also want to get a Diplomacy game going soon. :D
2 Comments
You are amazing. One day I’m going to stop being surprised by your awesomeness and just accept it as a given, I promise. Well, then again maybe not. : ) But not because of you, because so many other people are quite the opposite, I don’t know how you manage.
This might come out the wrong way but I’m always astounded by your ability to make the right/good decisions. How to treat people, what kind of job/pay you deserve, whether or not you should drop OX like a bad habit, what kind of education you should continue with, and I could go on and on…and I know that you ask your family, your real friends and myself for advice on many of these things, but in the end the decision is yours and you rarely make a bad one. Your genuine mistakes are minor and far between, and I don’t tell you that enough, but I should because I know you struggle with decisions. There are some basic right ways of living (i.e. work hard, take care of yourself, don’t hurt other people, try not to be selfish, prioritize correctly) that just seem impossible for other people to achieve, EVER! So, it’s really sad that I’m so impressed with your ability to do so, but I am. And I admire how little you struggle to make these choices and I’m inspired by the excitment you approach them with. (The reason I think this all sounds bad is because I’m telling you that I know what the right decisions are, and well, I do and I don’t care if that sounds bad right now. It’s just that as a non-moron I realize that by not proving the things I claim to be true there is no reason for anyone to accept anything I say as truth, but since I’m talking to you, also a non-moron, and one who knows me possibly better than anyone else, I’m going to just let that go!)
So many people pretend to agree with/admire their significant others to save face. They don’t want to admit how much the other person sucks, or, they don’t see it because they suck too. But I’m different, when I’m in a relationship I go looking for flaws because I don’t want to wake up one day wondering how I could have fooled myself for so long. I’ve been with you for almost two years and have spent most of the time waiting for the other shoe to drop. When you do something where your reasons/intentions are unclear I assume the worst because I don’t want to be surprised with it. But in all my extreme efforts I haven’t been able to find one significant flaw and every time I’ve assumed you’ve forgotten something or had unfavorable intentions for doing something you’ve surprised me in some way or other. Every single time. And this pleases me because I’ve stopped looking for flaws, I’m finally beginning to stop expecting the worst when things are unclear. I’m still withholding some judgment for a bit longer, but I feel much more relaxed with you now. So, rest assured that you are one of the few people who is in a genuinly good relationship because I’m *not* telling you all these things because I’m with you, I’m with you because they’re true.
BTW, how do you do those smily faces on here? They’re cute. And if I ever post here I might need to use them!
One Trackback
[...] “Near my computer is my lambskin apron, and on my hand is the Ring of the Lodge of Perfection. It’s amazing how deeply and quickly Freemasonry has touched me.” (Thoughts) [...]