I was over at my father-in-law’s birthday party, and I saw that he had HAPPINESS NOW!: Timless Wisdom for Feeling Good FAST (capitalization theirs) sitting out next to his bed. It’s apparently even been featured by Oprah. Blargh.
Forget buying that book. I’m here for the real deal: I’ll tell you how to be happy. And it won’t even cost you $40.
1. Stop Being a Dick
Seriously. Just stop. Even when other people are being dicks. Just stop.
When you get a reaction from strangers, they’re not actually reacting to you. They’re reacting to some stereotype and set of assumptions about who you are based on how you look, how you carry yourself, and the kind of person they are expecting to bump into in their current situation. So whatever it is they just did, whatever it is that you think was some great offense to your person, just let it go. It’s not worth escalating the situation, because you aren’t going to get anything positive out of the situation, and you’re just ruining everyone’s time. So leave strangers alone.
As for everyone else, you’ve got even more reason to stop being a dick. If someone says something that you don’t like, yelling isn’t going to accomplish anything except grating on everyone else around you. Oh, sure, you may get them to shut up. You may even intimidate them to admitting you’re right or taking back what they said. But they didn’t mean it, and if they cared or had the guts, they’d still be standing up to you. And as soon as you leave the room or they think you won’t notice, they’ll go back to being exactly they way they were before you yelled at them. Congratulations, you’ve done nothing by being a dick except make everyone regret that you were invited to the party. So how about you stop being a dick?
2. Stop Whining
Look, everything you might want to whine about falls into one of two camps: either you can do something about it, or you can’t. If you can do something about it, then put the energy you were going to put into whining into actually fixing it. If you can’t do anything about it, then your whining isn’t going to do anything except continue your cycle of self-loathing and make you a general downer. Reality isn’t going to change because you whined at it, so deal with the life you have, not the one you want. Whining is counter-productive to everything you want to accomplish. Save your energy and use it to find a hobby instead.
3. Get Out, Get Some Exercise, Unplug, and Deal with Real People
If you’re in your house all the time, surrounded by your own hand-picked decorations and designs, and you go out only when insulated by your iPod’s earphones and something to be burying your eyes in, the it’s no surprise you’re unhappy. Human beings are social creatures. That means you will be a lot happier if you socialize. And, y’know what’s really weird? Most people won’t think you’re anything other than friendly if you strike up a conversation.
We’re also creatures of nature and built for movement. Being surrounded by neon and advertisements has been scientifically proven to make you unhappy, so get into nature and go for a walk. Discover a local park. It’s a bigger deal than most people give it credit for.
4. If People Are Treating You Like Crap, Then Let Them Go
There are lots of people out there who aren’t listening to #1 (“Don’t be a Dick”). They, for some reason or another, are out to bully you, to passive-aggressively control you, to tell you that you are wrong, to use you as a punching bag (verbally or otherwise) and to generally be a problem. So let them go. Stop hanging out with them, and put plenty of distance between you and them. No matter what that person might say, you know that you don’t deserve what they’re dishing out, so pick up your dignity and hit the road.
There are 7 billion people on the world. You can afford to not hang out with that one again.
5. Your Critics Are Always Right
If someone seriously says that you are some way — if they tell you you’re embarrassing to be around, or if they compare you to someone you hate, or if they say you’re not a very nice person, or whatever — then you are that way. You may not be that way in the core of your being, and you may not want to be that way, and it may be a surprise that you have come off that way, but their perception of you is valid, and you need to accept and deal with that. What did you do that made them think that was true? Where are they coming from with their experience of you that made it seem accurate? Ask yourself (and them) these questions, and see if you can take it as an opportunity for self-improvement.
Don’t do what most people do, which is to take it as an attack that needs to be responded to with anger and yelling. Then you’re just taking an opportunity to make yourself better and replacing it with an opportunity to hurt a your relationship with them.
Now, of course, you need to be sure they’re serious: something said in the middle of a fight or said flippantly doesn’t really qualify. So you need to be sure they’re serious. But if your critic is serious, then your critic is right.
6. Do Hard Stuff for a Change
For some reason, our society tries to ask as little as possible from you. Don’t let it.
It’s hard to make a new friend. It’s hard to vest yourself in a job, or in a project, and to really start to care about it. It’s hard to fight for your career, and to do what needs to be done to advance it. It’s hard to get out of your comfort zone and experience things or listen to people that are totally foreign. It’s hard to demand your dignity, it’s hard to submit to humility, and it’s hard to focus on self-improvement instead of self-destruction.
But, if you do those things, you’ll be happier for it. Take the hard road: that’s where the good stuff is.
7. Let Stuff Go/Suck It Up
Most things aren’t worth the effort we put into them. We get angrier about them than they’re worth, we worry more about them than they’re worth, and we generally ruin ourselves over pittances. Let it go. Not a huge fan of where people are going to lunch? Suck it up and go with them anyway. Try something different. Still angry about something someone said to you years ago? Let it go: the reality is that they probably don’t even remember it. Whatever it is that you’re all hung up on that’s been ruining your decade, just let it go. It’s seriously not worth the effort you’re putting into it.
Along this same vein: you can’t control everything, so don’t try. Let it go. Have some confidence in yourself: you’ll find a way to deal with it — whatever “it” is — when you get to it. Human beings are wonderfully adaptable creatures, and there have been others who have found ways to deal with worse than you will ever see.
So there you are. Hope you’re happy.
85 Comments
But I like being a dick :(
Timely post, Robert.
For me, happiness is basically a synonym for satisfaction. I feel most satisfied when I can get into “flow” and accomplish something, so I’ve been rearranging my days to be more conducive to flow.
Not two hours ago I posted about this to this on my blog.
I hadn’t thought of this while writing my post, but if you graft the flow stuff onto a bastardized “Maslow’s Needs Hierarchy” out posts dovetail: flow moves you up the pyramid, which enables you to be less of a dick, not always be bogged down by work, focus on the big/important, etc.
Good list, Robert. Thanks
Nice post, although you must realize that this is not always as simple as it sounds. We’re “wonderfully adaptable creatures” but as such, we follow complex rules.
You assume a normal scenario, but the seven billion people out there doesn’t share that one.
Happiness is possible only to a rational man, the man who desires nothing but rational goals, seeks nothing but rational values and finds his joy in nothing but rational actions.
http://www.aynrandlexicon.com/lexicon/happiness.html
Right on the money. This is how I always try to be. And don’t forget to thank God for being so kind to us. Dave
@John Galt
That statement is predicated on — what? The assumption that happiness is a rational thing, or that human beings are fundamentally rational individuals?
@Dave Caylor
There is a whole second list of recommendations that come out of my Christian nature which I didn’t include on this list, and some of those items were on there in an original draft. However, I decided to secularize it for popular consumption, and I did this for a few reasons:
@Martin
This is true. I assume the reader is a victim of a post-modern lifestyle (i.e. something along the lines of what I’ve experienced in the middle-class United States).
Interesting post, thanks.
I have an incident and I’m not sure what the correct response is. I had a couple who were so-called friends and we had a falling out recently. It had been coming for a good while. The male of the two kept on making smirky put-downs about my politics and my experiences with mental problems. He thinks mental illness is an excuse to beg for sympathy and get government aid. I finally blew up and happily ended the relationship with him and his girlfriend. Well, they have a car they’re saving for his son when he gets out of prison and they’ve been keeping it under my carport for two years. They were paying me $25 a month to keep it there, but about six months ago they pretty much quit paying. Well, it’s still there . He has played a couple of hateful and disrespectful games since we broke up. I wonder- should I demand he remove the car? It’s not in the way, but I sort of feel hateful towards him and I wouldn’t mind having it gone. Is this how I should feel?
Great thoughts…. Many of these are familiar, but I am not sure I have ever seen #5 appear on anybody else’s list! What a powerful concept – that it might just be your own fault if someone doesn’t like you….or finds you annoying, or obnoxious…
Good one….
Very good post. Need to send some of my friends this link.
Thanks. I stumbled upon you and you made my day. Sometimes bluntness is really needed… I live in a very rural, isolated community, so it’s easy for me to feel justified in my circumstantial/ netflix/ ipod/ trepidation induced isolation. You reminded me that it takes effort to step out.
Why Didn’t you Just have 1 point.
1. Conform.
@Ben
I’m not sure how you get “conform” out of any of this: mind enlightening me?
Where I’m coming from, I actually intended the exact opposite. “Don’t be a dick” doesn’t mean to not rock the boat — but if you’re trying to rock the boat, then #1 step is going to be to force a dialog, which often means doing grandiose things (see Ghandi and MLK, Jr). Those kinds of efforts, done with respect, don’t make you a dick. “Stop whining” says “If you can do something about it, then put the energy you were going to put into whining into actually fixing it.” “Do hard things for a change” is almost inevitably going to lead you into non-conformance, since the apparently easy road (at least in US society) is to sit on your thumbs and live a quiet life of desperation. Trying to change things is the hard part.
And so on.
@wayne
I’m not an advice columnist, and I don’t know your situation, so I’m not really in a position to help in your particular circumstance. I will say that feeling hateful towards a person and going out of your way to make things difficult for them doesn’t sound like a great plan: quite frankly, it sounds like more trouble than it’s worth. It’s going to cause a lot of frustration and stress for you — in a real sense, what would you get in exchange?
Anyone interested in this post should also check out this one:
How to Give and Receive Criticism
Thanks Dude. That’s pretty much the attitude I’ve had about the thing. The reason the thing came up in my mind was the first on your list about being a dick. I wondered if being a dick about some things was warranted. Thanks for responding to it. I actually try to follow your prescriptions for being happy in my day to day life. I appreciate your time and thought.
Well put. Thanks for the common sense advice.
I guess I do owe you $40.
You’d have to be a very shallow aswell as infallible person to keep to these rules.
@noriko
Where do you see “shallow” in any of this? Most of the time, it actually takes a lot more depth to see the underlying cause-and-effect of things instead of just riding the superficial emotional reactions.
As for needing to be an ‘infallible person to keep to these rules’ — these recommendations are ways to change your thinking and habits to pick up, not rules to follow.
Dear MR Fischer,
I think some folks are possibly seeing one or two words and getting quite defensive without putting all the words together to get a complete meaning – I thought the post was great. Basically people – and really this is basic. Not I, nor you (no offense) are perfect and realize that sometimes WE are the problem adding to a situation – we need to look in the mirror on occasion and realize that our attitudes are just that, ‘ours’, we make it what it is, so we can change it by looking at it from a perspective that’s just a little bit further away from the box we all have our own selves in… No you are not perfect (as most definitely neither am I, and yes, sometimes I AM wrong. But I won’t tell you that you are wrong, you must step back and do that your self sometimes. Or I might and when I do, at least think about it before deciding that I’m wrong, we might both be a little off and might both learn a little something – Wow, and it can hurt sometimes too, but how can we improve ourselves, if not but sometimes admit to ourselves that WE are creating most of the negative in our own lives. I could go on rambling, but those of you that get it already have and those of you that don’t will stop reading before you do so that you can post a counter comment that doesn’t make any sense to me. So I’m out for the evening, done with my taxes and feeling pretty good about it. NICE POST Mr Fischer!! I LOVED IT!!
Hey Robert,
Words to live by.
True, this are lovely and easier said than done, but then again, so is living life.
I’m in a precarious place right now. Almost 49, never been married…in a lovely relationship, but it’s a long distance one and that presents it’s own issues and through all of these things, I’m smack dab in the middle of a paradigm shift. My thinking is changing.
My life hasn’t been working..it’s gotten better recently, but still not up to par. I’ve been searching for things that might shed some light on my evolving situation.
Your post will be neatly tucked in my quiver o’ info. I’ll refer to it many times in the coming weeks and months.
Thank you for illuminating my path a bit more, Robert. You’re an unwitting contributor in the continuing education of Laurie Kendrick.
And right now, I’m learning that life and all that that entails, requires time. I’m guilty of not taking enough of it.
And the fact that I’ve lived so much of my life flying through it at the speed of sound has taught me so many things’. Life…my life anyway, is certainly more than the accoutrement that makes it shiny.
Life is about effort and earning the right to love and be loved. What really gives life its utmost beauty, are the things we have to polish ourselves.
With gratitude,
Laurie Kendrick
Lol.. so true.. thanx!!
But what if your critics are being dicks?
Ok, that’s a facetious way of putting it, but it’s a real question. What if the person who’s telling you that you’re embarrassing to be around (to use an example in the post) is feeling that way because of his or her own insecurities (which is what’s behind embarrassment 99% of the time in the first place)? What if critics disagree with each other? Can they all be right?
More important (and less nitpickingly), what if your critics don’t share your values?
In general I agree with the post and think it’s good advice. But that one’s a serious sticking point. Learn to take constructive criticism from people you trust, YES. But automatically assuming all your critics are always right, ahem, NO.
All very good observations. As for me, I live by the golden rule. Like it says in the Bible, The Koran, And in Mad Magazine, “Happiness is a Warm Gun, Bang, Bang; Shoot, Shoot Oh Yeah…”
@leesajay
More important (and less nitpickingly), what if your critics don’t share your values?
That’s a just fine statement. Taking a critic seriously, realizing that they’re making their statement because they’re coming from some place different than where you are, and accepting that fact is fine. You don’t have to do whatever your critics say, but you need to at least take them seriously.
The point of that item is simply that you shouldn’t dismiss your critics out of hand or get mad at them for “being crazy”. They’re coming from some kind of position that is valid to their understanding, and that you need to take seriously for self-improvement.
The problem with limiting your “constructive criticism” to “people you trust” is that we only tend to consider it “constructive criticism” if we already agree with it, and those “people you trust” are usually people who hold similar values to you. So people (myself most definitely included) can easily be lulled into a false sense of security by hearing how great we are from the people around us. It’s the people who don’t like you who really get at your weaknesses.
Robert, you said: “There is a whole second list of recommendations that come out of my Christian nature which I didn’t include on this list, and some of those items were on there in an original draft. However, I decided to secularize it for popular consumption…”
I recommend changing #1 to read “Stop Being a Jerk.” Nothing wrong with secularizing for popular consumption, but my feeling is that your readers could only benefit from language that is a bit less crude.
@jethro
I chose the word I used very intentionally. I talked through this with my wife before I posted it: she had a similar concern. It’s a totally valid concern. However, I’m sticking to that same language. The fact of the matter is that it wouldn’t have the same effect without that crude language, which means the readers wouldn’t even exist, which means they’re not going to benefit at all.
And, really, we’ve got a lot of bigger sins and strife to address before we worry about 5 or 6 “dick”s.
By that logic, interjecting additional four letter words and a few nude photos would have really drawn a crowd.
I’m sorry, but your wife was right. I call rule #5.
@jethro
That argumentation style is called “strawman”: if you’re going to debate with someone, debate with me, not with some exaggerated actor you’ve invented. I think you and I both know that there’s a balance between using the phrase “being a dick” to describe a particular kind of action and throwing nudie pix up on my blog or using rampant vulgarity.
And, yes, you are right. The use of any vulgar word — even something as pervasive and lackluster as “dick” — is dragging down the conversation to an extent: I certainly invite comments like the first one I got by using that kind of language. And, to a certain extent, I am capitulating to the tone of the internet and being counterproductive regarding another goal of mine, which is more intelligent, civil conversation on the internet.
With those criticisms in mind, I’m going ahead with my current approach. “Stop Being a Jerk” just doesn’t have the same effect, and I’m willing to take the hit on tone in order to get the effect I’m looking for.
BTW — The point with rule #5, which people seem to keep missing, is not that you should capitulate to criticism, but that you need to take criticism seriously. Reality isn’t a zero-sum game: it’s possible for them to be right, and for you to be right, too. You just need to understand the approach/viewpoint/paradigm/whatever where they are right, and take that into consideration when you’re generating your self-identity. Rule #5 is explicitly not equivalent to “Please everyone all the time” or “Do what your peers tell you to do”.
@jethro
“Nothing wrong with secularizing for popular consumption, but my feeling is that your readers could only benefit from language that is a bit less crude.”
BTW, I actually find the secularization to be a more angsty challenge than the vulgarity. If I’m Christian, I should speak from a Christian standpoint, even if it’s less popular. By removing those Christian points, I was basically acquiescing to a secular dominance of moral discussion, which is bogus. The moral conversation absolutely shouldn’t be secular — it doesn’t need to be isolated to a single faith (e.g.), but it should be grounded in a general understanding of the spiritual/religious nature that people bring forward.
@JohnGalt, @RobertFischer
very funny. (FYI: John Galt is a character from Atlas Shrugged)
Actionable info on a mooshy (but critical) topic with swearing?
I’m in love.
But don’t be crapping on my Oprah. She’s doing the dirty work of disseminating info to the masses; must needs cut her some slack.
Aaaaaand…stumbled!
I loved this post. Subscribed. Keep writing cool stuff. :)
This is awesome. And totally true. Well said!
Great great article. Could have used this list to advise my actions last week. I was in a Twitter quarrel with an individual who decided my opinion was wrong, and instead of doing as you suggest – let it go – I reacted negatively and prolonged and worsened the argument. It has left a sour taste in my mouth all week, not least because of the mutual decision to drop/block twitter accts. #1, #2, and #4 would have been very pertinent advice in this case.
One thought though. As humans, we are emotional creatures. Our subconscious controls much more of our behavior than ‘beasts’ who act out of instinct or sheer will to survive. Beasts dont react emotionally. Regarding #7 and to a small extent #2, it is so easy to emotionally get ourselves sucked into these situations before we even realize we are doing it. And if we are attacked or insulted, as I was in this case, it is a natural knee-jerk emotional reaction to fight back. We want to defend our honor, stand up for ourselves, as this is what we have been programmed sociologically to do.
Anyway, I’m printing this to serve as a reminder for future confrontations. And as a catalyst to take on bigger challenges.
cheers
@adam
Yup. Being a human being means we spend a lot of time being self-destructive, either because our society is telling us it’s fun to be self-destructive (you NEED a $300 iPod, Mr. College Student…), or because that behavior was a great idea before the existence of society.
It sucks, but it’s true. :P
I like #3: this is also so, so important. We are online to connect with people so that should not be any different offline. Although for introverts like me, online is easier :) Also good to reconnect back up with yourself and definitely UNPLUG once in a while. It’s good for you and also good for the planet.
That is some good stuff right there.
Being a passive-aggressive dick can be fun but i hate it when people do it to me.
Are you really happy?
@Murat Yilmaz
I’m happier when I follow these rules than when I don’t. So it’s at least a start.
Got some other and/or better suggestions?
BTW, for those still paying attention, I’ve got a little reward for you.
Remember this line:
“Seriously. Just stop. Even when other people are being dicks. Just stop.”
And then see the skit here:
http://weblog.raganwald.com/2008/03/what-to-do-about-imperative-programming.html
Excellent advice.
I agree, if you had based it on a specific faith, you change the nature of the piece from one of sensible advice to one of preaching. Those of us that are non-believers certainly may regard that as preaching anyway and that, I suspect, wasn’t your purpose.
Do you have the keys to their car? Drive it to their house and park it out front. No keys? Put it in neutral, back it on to the road, call the city to tow it. Sounds like you’re better off without those people, and why would you store a car for them?
I love this excellent and simple advice! Number 1 in particular. I wish people would follow this advice.
Note to people commenting from your friendly moderator:
If you leave an inflammatory comment via an anonymous e-mail address, I’m not going to allow it, even if it’s a valid point.
Starting a discussion is one thing. Fly-by crapping on people is just annoying.
I don’t know your age, I merely stumbled across this by accident. But I would like to say that when you have lived long enough, you may experience tragedies that are not of the simple sort you are dealing with in #2. There are things in life that you can’t change, and you may not be whining about it, but it may be devastating. That affects your happiness. People should not be made to feel guilty if they can’t “suck it up” in the face of some situations.
Not being able to change things doesn’t always mean you can just say “oh, well”. Lose a child or spouse. Watch a dear, dear friend dying of cancer. Become homeless through no fault of your own. All these things happen.
It would be interesting to see your Christian take on this subject. As a Christian, I see consistently in the Bible that God empathized with sorrow and mourning. Jesus, in His perfection, still wept. Maybe “happiness” is a word that needs to be redefined. I believe we were created to experience the gamut of human emotions, including sorrow, grief, anger – things often designated as “negativity”. Maybe most people have an extremely simplistic and limited view of what it means to be happy… and maybe that version of happiness is overrated.
Additionally, I do think several people have made valid points regarding “your critics are right”. As a Christian you know that the Bible plainly says “do not be surprised when the world hates you” and to expect persecution. There are unlimited passages emphasizing the fact that the world will consider Christian views to be foolish. No one says to react to those attitudes hatefully, but many things that are said to you in life must be disregarded. Most people have their own issues and their own agendas, and you need to trust your own set of values to weigh what is said to you. That is what it means to be a man of principal. Again, live long enough and that will become very apparent.
I mean no disrespect to you, but I am seeing people incorporating your words without doing some questioning of their own. No one should be made to feel they have to accept all criticism as valid.
@Leanne
Thanks for the feedback, and the respectful tone of the post. It’s nice to encounter someone who is willing to disagree without escalating the disagreement to the level of self-righteous vitriol.
I’d encourage you to double back and take a look at what I’m actually saying in my posts. There’s a deeper message I’m trying to get at beyond the catchy titles, and it seems like you’re missing them.
For instance, your complaint about #2 seems to be based on equating “whining” with “expressing sorrow”. The two couldn’t be more different — whining is self-indulgent and self-defeating; sorrow is outward and life-affirming. Sorrow is an appropriate response to a significant loss — whining is an excessive play off of an insignificant slight. Grief runs a course towards healing: whining surrenders that healing and coping ability in favor of an all-accepting helplessness.
Similarly, the statements “your critics are always right”, the key passage which people seem to be missing is this one:
You may not be that way in the core of your being, and you may not want to be that way, and it may be a surprise that you have come off that way, but their perception of you is valid, and you need to accept and deal with that. What did you do that made them think that was true? Where are they coming from with their experience of you that made it seem accurate? Ask yourself (and them) these questions, and see if you can take it as an opportunity for self-improvement.
If you know you’re going to come off some way, and you do come off that way, then congratulations, you are successfully projecting the identity you intended to. So, if you decide to subscribe to a belief system which is going to be interpreted as foolish, and your critics say that you’re foolish, then congrats! Your critics certainly are right — you seem foolish to them. So, why do you seem foolish? Is that something you want to change, or is there some other priority which leads you to simply accept the presented identity of “foolish”?
People don’t seem to be realizing that just because “your critics are right” doesn’t mean you have to conform to the way they want you to be: this is the area of subjective assessment, and it’s totally valid for people with different perspectives and different set of information to come to totally different yet equally contextually legitimate conclusions. The point of that whole entry is that if there is a dissonance between the way you perceive yourself and the way other people perceive you, then you should take that as a learning opportunity — to learn and contrast the distinct opinions between yourself and your critics.
Taking a bit of my own medicine, I’d like to come up with an equally catchy title which wouldn’t let people fall into that false interpretation. However, I don’t really have one. Got a suggestion?
@Leanne
I just re-read your post to make sure I addressed things. And I was struck by a couple statements:
There are things in life that you can’t change, and you may not be whining about it, but it may be devastating.
So you already have an understanding that what you’re talking about isn’t whining — that there’s something very different afoot in response to genuine tragedies. So my #2 isn’t applicable. My #7 simply says to not let such tragedies dominate your life forever, but to either trust in the support structures you have or to go find the additional support you need, and to use that support system to find your new balance.
No one says to react to those attitudes hatefully, but many things that are said to you in life must be disregarded. Most people have their own issues and their own agendas, and you need to trust your own set of values to weigh what is said to you. That is what it means to be a man of principal.
That’s exactly what I’m saying in “Your critics are right”: instead of reacting hatefully or in simple disregard to your critics, you need to weigh the things that are being said to figure out what you can learn from and which is simply part of the expected consequences of your projected identity.
Thank you for the thoughtful and quick response. I guess the primary concern I had was that most people have a certain definition of “happiness” that completely misses the point of life. For many people, especially younger people, happiness = having a good time in life. Feeling cheerful. And that’s not to say that those things are not valuable – I definitely believe they are! But that is a temporary feeling and a temporary response to circumstances.
True happiness, as I would define it, is different. It comes from knowing that even if you are sad, that sorrow is part of life and part of God’s plan and that you can be ok with that. It’s funny, in some ways I find it easier to be happy in that way than in the way you describe. I do let the little things bother me, and I often have to step back and remember the big picture. The happiness that everyone is talking about is so fleeting – fun while it lasts- but not true happiness.
Maybe “Your critics are sincere” or “Your critics criticize you for a reason” (or something less clunky, that doesn’t quite roll off the tongue) might be more in the spirit of what you are communicating.
For what it’s worth, I think “joy” is the thing to seek, not happiness. I think much of what you are saying is very good advice, but it is advice I’d give my teenagers. There are many people desperately wishing to be happy that aren’t whiners, are hopeful, shy, lonely… that have been trying, and are genuinely rejected by most people. You know people like that. You are addressing people that are bright (not everyone is), relatively affluent (need to “unplug”, turn off the Ipods) and let’s face it… young. Those people definitely do have very much control over their levels of happiness, and they can learn much from what you are saying. Perhaps we are talking about happiness in different seasons of life.
You hit a nerve with me because I do believe the Church has done a poor job of helping the “unhappy”. There is a tendency to expect people to pray, dive into service, pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Things have improved, but I remember a time when anti-depressants were frowned upon, with the expectation that you should turn to God to change your feelings. Jesus said “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven”. He makes it clear that He knows the “poor in spirit” are there and He does not imply that there is something they can do about that. he says that, things will be different for them eventually – theirs is the “kingdom of heaven”. That is the place where there is “no more death and dying” and “every tear will be wiped away”. To me this indicates that we should expect a lot of unhappiness in this life, but remember that life itself is temporary.
Sorry for such a long response – I was just so intrigued by the fact that you are a Christian (are you the one that was admitted to Duke Divinity School?) and still felt the need to “secularize” your message. Your use of the word “dick” did not particularly bother me, but it devalued the post for me. It seemed immature to me. When you have truth to share, you don’t need to dress it up in some way to draw people in. Those seeking truth will flock to it when they find it. I see where you are coming from, but I think you may be selling the power of the message itself short. People are turned off by “Christianese”, and in general I try not to use it in secular settings, but simple, straight talk instead. So I do appreciate what you are trying to do. But the whole post and all the solutions find their origins in drawing strength from God and His peace. And you seem to side-step that just a bit… yet I think people will fail in their attempts to take your advice without God’s power – as foolish as that sounds to the secular world (let the critics begin)!
However, you have begun a dialog that imany people will find much needed. I hope you have the chance to point them in the direction that YOU have found to be true.
Thanks – very nice to read something with some thought and depth online!
-Leanne
@Leanne
Most of my experience has been that even these few tips are apparently news. They’re realizations that I’ve come to over the last few years — although I’m only in my mid-twenties, so maybe your accusation of the post being age-specific is genuinely applicable. That probably also explains the issue with tone that you’re seeing: you’re probably out of my target audience. My tone was intended to be in line with posts like this one: 7 Reasons Why The 21st Century Is Making You Miserable.
Your titles aren’t ones I’ve thought of, but they’re still not quite right for the message I’m trying to get across — I want to denote that their views are something that should have weight in your self-assessments (although not necessarily your self-esteem). The leading alternative title is “Your Critics Have A Point”, although I don’t like the minimalism being implied there.
And yes, I am a Christian and I was just admitted to Duke Divinity School. Going to be moving down to Durham within the next couple of weeks.
The secularization of this post is something I internally fought with, and I thought it would be better to hit the larger audience and leave the evangelism to when people are already struggling for self-improvement. My experience has been the exact opposite of your statement “Those seeking truth will flock to it when they find it.”, and more in line with your statement “People are turned off by “Christianese”, and in general I try not to use it in secular settings, but simple, straight talk instead.”
My own return to Christ started with some personal reformations along these lines, and then I noticed how the message of and lessons within Christianity lined up with the practical changes I had made. So I don’t think this post necessarily puts the cart before the horse, and I’ll trust in God’s providence to provide the next step to people who need it, and the Holy Spirit to act on other people (as it acted on me) to be receptive to that step.
BTW, I do agree that the shallow touchy-feely religion often being doled out — the evangelistic sales pitch which says that God will make your life one of daisies and kitties — both infantilizes its audience and neglects a critical message of Christianity re: the difficulties of this world. That said, take a look at my points of advice again: all of them (with the possible exception of #4) are ways that encourage deeper relationships, both with other people and with creation. That gets at the more fundamental satisfaction or joy or happiness or whatever.
I’m sorry to have taken up so much space here. After all, it is YOUR blog!
I believe you and I are on the same page about secularization… Jesus was the same way in his teachings. He was nothing like the religious leaders of the times; in fact, people marveled at Him and what He said everywhere He went. So I guess that’s what I mean by not using “Christianese” – veering away from the accepted (and tired) jargon of “religion”.
The key to my statement about people flocking to truth is in the word “seeking”. Seekers everywhere are desperate to make sense of the world around them. What I hate, and I am NOT saying you are doing this, is when Christian teachings are being offered, but camouflaged as “great new ideas” or whatever. And I mean deliberate camouflaging. Wouldn’t it be cool, just for a change, if people could put forth radical ideas without being preachy or falling into “religiousity” – and yet stay fully open about the spiritual nature of the truths? If you have never read it, you might find Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller interesting. I could take or leave some of it, but it demonstrates very well what I am talking about. Being so authentic and out there and unashamed that people are just automatically curious and drawn. It is much more appropriate for your target audience, as well. I’d encourage anyone on this site to read it, as its full title is Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality (sorry, not underlining the title – can’t figure out how to do it on this program. Old dog, new trick..). He is easy to read and, along with his friends. has done some pretty crazy stuff – very out of the box.
I hope everyone that is seeking – or those that God plans to draw to Himself – will stumble upon your site as I have and find their way to the deepest core of truth. The tips you offer probably are new to many, but as you know, they are only the beginning. And you may choose to “trust God’s providence to provide the next step”, but what if YOU are the next step? Maybe you have helped some scratch the surface, but you may also have to show them where to go from there. Which I am confident that you can do very well.
@Leanne
Don’t worry about taking up space. There’s lots of virtual real estate, and anyone who’s read this far down the comments is probably pretty dedicated. :)
However, I’m a bit busy for the next couple of days, so I’m not going to get around to responding for a while — just so you don’t think I bailed on you.
I just wanted to say how much I appreciated your comments, Leanne, especially with the Church’s stance on unhappiness. It disappoints me that almost all the new worship songs are all feel-good and bubbly; the Psalms have a large amount of sorrowful parts to them. I think we discount just how hard things are, especially how hard it is to be a Christian, and that this in turn disillusions/alienates Christians when they come to the hard places.
I have been a royal” B” and have been for about 70 years. I don’t want to be but really I am.
I spend pretty much of my time alone,to keep me out of trouble.It works & I like it.
My kids want me to socalize but it’s not fun for me . I live with my daughter’s family & that is enough for me .Me & my dog are happy.All my regrets in life have been things I’ve said or done to others.I loved this site & want to send it to my other children Thanks.
This is some good stuff since I apparently have a lot to learn about people and myself.
Congrats, dude. Your post is on the top page on a Google search for “how to be happy.” I like this structure because it’s atypical… most self help is rosey.
I am struggling with the “critics are always right,” which I can’t reconcile with the “that’s their stuff- let it be’ undercurrent of some of the first two points you make. That could also lead someone to a cycle of self criticism rather than improvement.
6 is good because a lot of today’s “secret” and “power of positive thought” implies that gettig where you want is easy if you attract it. And the reality is that most things worth having do require some effort. It’s hard but maybe it doesn’t have to feel hard.
Especially digging the reminder to get away from neon and ads and socialize in real life.
Really appreciate your efforts on this.
@nalts
Have you read through the comments? There’s a lot of conversation about it already. I bring your attention to this passage from “Your Critics Are Always Right”:
When I say “Your Critics Are Always Right”, I mean that you are projecting an identity which they interpret to be a certain way. Their criticism should be taken seriously, not as a personal judgment of your value as a human being, but as honest feedback of your apparent identity in the world. Identifying why you are projecting that identity and how they come to that interpretation will go a long way to preventing arguments, resolving conflicts, and providing opportunities for self-improvement.
Recently I started looking for ways to make myself feel happier and ran into this blog. After I read it, I felt compelled to write this post:
http://hong.thripp.com/do-good-anyway-7
Then a friend responded with this:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spiritualsupportnetwork/message/212
The purpose is focused how to deal with life’s turmoils and remain hopeful. The best way is to look at various options and keep those that help.
I like the stop whining. If everyone would stop complaining, then maybe it would be easier to let happiness from their way. If you keep looking for bad in things, then you will never see the good.
Barbara
thanks this was great, i’m really gonna’ try it =) =)
Thanks for a great post. I’ve link to it on my blog as well.
Jesus! I could have written this myself, but I’m glad you did. I have enough on my plate! Besides that, it’s more fun to read it than to have to write it. ;)
Anyway, great insight, great suggestions. For most everyone, all these tips should be obvious, right?
Guess we sometimes need to be reminded of how to just exercise good, common sense.
Love the article!
I just wanted to say thanks. I need to hear these things once in a while and every time I forget, someone or something reminds me. So seriously, thanks. I needed that.
-Daniel
but its so easy to not do that
I think I am going to hang this on my wall for my clients. Good stuff. Thank you for sharing.
This was well refreshingly written, humourous and helpful. Thank you.
There’s an honesty here we could all benefit from. Pull yourself back every now and then and listen instead of talking.
While I’m a happy, well-balanced person who lives a very happy and productive life, I had to admit that I have, on occasion, fallen into each of these traps. It’s of great benefit to be reminded of what counts and what we should pursue in this life – thanks!
I don’t know who you are, but you are an awesome writer! This article hits the nail on the head and it exactly what I needed to hear. I’m 24 living with my folks in my god-forsaken hometown. You’ve motivated me to get outta here and go for it! THANKS!
The only part of this list I disagree with is number three. I don’t feel it applies to everyone. Personally, I find socializing mentally and emotionally draining. I have very few but dear friends and family members and yet….I happen to be an incredibly happy and satisfied person. Not all of us are extroverts: for us introverts, we don’t require much more socializing than a once-a-month email. What I enjoy doing, I tend to enjoy doing alone. Do I feel unfulfilled? Not at all.
#3 is not about getting out and socializing with many people — just socializing in general. A large portion of our population only socializes with people via the internet, if at all, and that kind of isolation is a downward cycle that can be literally deadly[1],[2],[3].
[1] http://jos.sagepub.com/cgi/content/abstract/20/1/81
[2] http://www.psychiatric-disorders.com/articles/personality-disorders/avoidant.php
[3] http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14563073
I like “do hard stuff for a change” like getting out of your comfort zone. For the most part I have learned this to be true and it makes for some awkward moments (like going out with people you hardly know), but overall I think that by branching out and trying new things you do become happier, and with using the other advice-like *relax* and not taking yourself seriously you can truly enjoy yourself :) And people who are assholes are usually unhappy so I agree with that one, too :)
Overall, A-plus
I really hate that success in this world is stemmed from being a dick at times.
most of the successful people I knew portrayed greatly to the public eye, but were dick’s to the employees and staff
I made no promise that “happy” (as I’m talking about it here) has anything to do with “successful”.
other than that #7 might let you give up on #6 too far easily, getting a little tougher on ourselves and the pissants around us might be a good prescription.
Wow! Don’t be a dick! This is awesome advice for young people who are still so caught up in appearances and pride.
And, your critics being right! My gosh, that’s an almost revolutionary idea! A very important idea. Great post, enjoyed the reading.
Love it! Great stuff.
Haha! Great post!
…but I don’t want to unplug. :)
I have issues with being a dick to a lot of people…. this has helped me a lot more than I thought it would. My main focus is my girlfriend….. I love her but I am just such a dick and I dont know why. Just from reading this I feel I can stop that. Thank you.
I love #2! It reminds me of my great uncle. He used to say “Don’t complain unless you are going to do something about it.” I don’t know if it was his generation, or the fact he was Norwegian, but he was one of the sagest people I’ve ever known.
I think you could ad another one though. #8 Think About What You Do Have. It’s another way to say “be grateful”. Have an attitude of gratitude. (I know, another lame platitude).
Just found this site and this list. Very good advice, all of it. I’ll bookmark it and be sure to read it whenever I fall into my stupid self-destructive habits. I especially like the bit about whining and what a waste of energy and time it is. And your comment about listening when people criticize you is audacious in its truthfulness. I’ve lost 2 family members (one of them to cancer) and because of those losses I still get angry at the world, at the medical profession, at God (if there is one, which I am no longer convinced of) etc. It’s such a waste of time and energy. Your list helped me crystallize that in my mind. Thank you.
Very nice. . .I’m passing this on to my posse
BTW – I saw a giclee in a catalog that says “We tend to seek happiness when happiness is actually a choice”
Seems like your post in a nutshell. . . .
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