Christmas Blues

So, it’s getting to be that time of year again- and I’ve come to a realization. I really don’t like Christmas. Oh, the peace on earth and good will to men thing I think is a wonderful idea, and we really should try it sometime. And the Christmas carols, while saccharine and annoying, are only minor annoyances. And I’m not pulling some holier-than-thou crap about destroying the sancity of Jesus’ birthday either- because I don’t really believe in Jesus-the-historical-figure, and if he does have a birthday, it’s most likely not conveniently co-timed with a major pagan holiday and co-opting it’s symbols (seriously, look up where Christmas trees come from). And I actually like (as well as love) my family and I’m looking forward to spending time with them. And I’m not depressed.

I’m just not into this whole gift-exchange thing.

I realized this recently when I found myself, on the spur of the moment, buying a present for a friend (whom I know reads this blog- you’ll figure it out when you get the package), and found myself enjoying it. I was tickled thinking about how surprised he’ll be when the packages show up. He doesn’t expect a gift from me (well, it might be slightly less of a surprise now), I don’t expect a gift from him (this is still true). It wasn’t an exchange, it was a gift, and an optional one at that. If my budget fell pinched, I could have passed on and no one would ever have been the wiser. But later, as I thought things through, the joy began to fade, as I realized the extent of my error.

I had bought him a Christmas present.

He’s a nice guy (one of the reasons I like him). As such, he’d feel obligated to buy me a “present”. I don’t know why the heck we call them “presents” if they’re not optional- they’re more like Christmas tolls, or Christmas taxes. And worse yet, that’d mean going shopping this time of year- a fate I’m not sure I’d wish on enemy, let alone someone I like. This is worst possible time of the year to have to go shopping. The parking is impossible, the crowds are worse, the lines are interminable, and there is no hope, none what so ever, of getting a good deal (until it’s too late, naturally). And they play Christmas Carols. Constantly. Over store speakers. Just in case you’re not miserable enough.

And this is a present he wasn’t expecting to have to buy, and thus didn’t budget for, so there’s money worries involved as well. His finances aren’t bad, but they aren’t as good as mine are this year. I bought him a present to bring some joy and happiness into his life, not aggravation and stress.

And worse yet, being that he’s a nice guy, he’ll probably want to buy me a Christmas present next year as well- meaning that I’ll have to either get him one as well (bringing that aggravation and stress into my life) or be the schmuck who didn’t buy a present for someone who bought him a present (a glorious opportunity I’ve now offered him too, gee thanks, Brian).

And then, inevitably, there is the difference in price to consider. The best possible case is both sides purchase something of more or less equal value- a true Gift of the Magi. I never found that short story endearing, I found it depressing. Both characters got screwed. They’d have been much better off, much happier, if they’d both- or either!- pulled a pre-spirit Scrooge and just bought a card. I’ve always rather hoped that one could find happiness without being screwed.

But this is the rare case- generally there is a fairly noticeable difference in the prices of the gifts, which gives rise to yet another ladle full of unhappiness. On one side you have something thinking “Great- I pony up for the complete boxed set of Lord of the Rings with all the extras, and in return what do I get? Macrame towel holders. I wonder how long I have to store this piece of crap, making sure it’s out and visible when you come over, before you forget you gave it to me and I can throw it away and reclaim the cupboard, closet, or garage space. Which frankly is a lot more valuable than this, um, thing.” Meanwhile, the other side is thinking “Dammit. I know I’m not as rich and hoity toity as you, but I lived on beans and ramen noodles for a week to afford the supplies, and then gave up large chunks of me precious spare time to make you that macrame towel holder because it was all I could afford.” Trust me- having been on both sides, this is more or less what is going on in people’s heads, even while they’re all “oh, this is great!” and smiles to the outside world. Stress, aggravation, Christmas carols, and now a side order of class resentment- that’s a full holiday meal!

This isn’t a problem for kids. Kids are great to get presents for. First off, all kids are naturally, even super naturally, greedy. They don’t worry about getting more than they give, that’s just how things are supposed to be. Which means you don’t have to feel like a schmuck for giving them presents, you can just sit back and enjoy watching their eyes light up. And they’re generally easy to buy for as well- $20 of cheap plastic junk and they’re ecstatic. And you don’t even have to guess which piece of cheap plastic junk- they’re generally spell it out for you, in extensively documented, itemized, and prioritized lists.

I have to be the world’s worst person to get a present for. I’m well off enough at this point that anything cheap enough to be in a reasonable price range for a gift I don’t wish for. If I want it, I just buiy it. The limit to the number of books, CDs, and DVDs I buy isn’t a monetary limit, it’s a time limit- how much time I have to read/listen/watch. And I live in a tiny Manhattan apartment, and I’ve always been iffy about cleaning, so have little need or space for things of marginal value. I haven’t updated my Amazon wish list in years, I actively advise people to steer clear of it, it’s so out of date. The probability of getting my eyes to light up at a gift at this point is damned near zero.

Which caused me to realize- hey, friend, this is partly your fault! You kept your Amazon wish list up to date, making it easy for me to get you a present. So suck it up! Ha!

But more importantly, do me a favor. Don’t get me a present. Seriously. Maybe a thank you is in order- as in verbally saying “thank you”, certainly nothing more. It was fun buying you a present and surprising you. Let’s keep it fun. No stress, no aggravation, and the only Christmas song I listened to was by Weird Al Yankovich (The Night Santa Went Crazy, if you must know). Let the joy and fun I had buying this gift leaven my spirit, as I deal with the stress and aggravation of dealing with all my other Christmas Tariffs. If you feel you have to respond, if you have to complete the whole Gifts of the Magi theme, give on, not back. Pick someone else who doesn’t expect a present from you (who isn’t me) and give them a gift. Something low aggravation and low stress. But accept this gift in the spirit it was given- for fun, not for duty or obligation.

Surely, if there is a true “spirit of Christmas” we can all agree on, it’s the avaricious gleam in a child’s eye as they tote up the potential swag in large, glittering heap of presents Christmas morning. It’s the joy of giving, not just exchanging. And, this time of year, I could use all that “Christmas Spirit” I can get.