Jan 01 2008
Let Me Save You $40: Here’s How to Be Happy
I was over at my father-in-law’s birthday party, and I saw that he had HAPPINESS NOW!: Timless Wisdom for Feeling Good FAST (capitalization theirs) sitting out next to his bed. It’s apparently even been featured by Oprah. Blargh.
Forget buying that book. I’m here for the real deal: I’ll tell you how to be happy. And it won’t even cost you $40.
1. Stop Being a Dick
Seriously. Just stop. Even when other people are being dicks. Just stop.
When you get a reaction from strangers, they’re not actually reacting to you. They’re reacting to some stereotype and set of assumptions about who you are based on how you look, how you carry yourself, and the kind of person they are expecting to bump into in their current situation. So whatever it is they just did, whatever it is that you think was some great offense to your person, just let it go. It’s not worth escalating the situation, because you aren’t going to get anything positive out of the situation, and you’re just ruining everyone’s time. So leave strangers alone.
As for everyone else, you’ve got even more reason to stop being a dick. If someone says something that you don’t like, yelling isn’t going to accomplish anything except grating on everyone else around you. Oh, sure, you may get them to shut up. You may even intimidate them to admitting you’re right or taking back what they said. But they didn’t mean it, and if they cared or had the guts, they’d still be standing up to you. And as soon as you leave the room or they think you won’t notice, they’ll go back to being exactly they way they were before you yelled at them. Congratulations, you’ve done nothing by being a dick except make everyone regret that you were invited to the party. So how about you stop being a dick?
2. Stop Whining
Look, everything you might want to whine about falls into one of two camps: either you can do something about it, or you can’t. If you can do something about it, then put the energy you were going to put into whining into actually fixing it. If you can’t do anything about it, then your whining isn’t going to do anything except continue your cycle of self-loathing and make you a general downer. Reality isn’t going to change because you whined at it, so deal with the life you have, not the one you want. Whining is counter-productive to everything you want to accomplish. Save your energy and use it to find a hobby instead.
3. Get Out, Get Some Exercise, Unplug, and Deal with Real People
If you’re in your house all the time, surrounded by your own hand-picked decorations and designs, and you go out only when insulated by your iPod’s earphones and something to be burying your eyes in, the it’s no surprise you’re unhappy. Human beings are social creatures. That means you will be a lot happier if you socialize. And, y’know what’s really weird? Most people won’t think you’re anything other than friendly if you strike up a conversation.
We’re also creatures of nature and built for movement. Being surrounded by neon and advertisements has been scientifically proven to make you unhappy, so get into nature and go for a walk. Discover a local park. It’s a bigger deal than most people give it credit for.
4. If People Are Treating You Like Crap, Then Let Them Go
There are lots of people out there who aren’t listening to #1 (”Don’t be a Dick”). They, for some reason or another, are out to bully you, to passive-aggressively control you, to tell you that you are wrong, to use you as a punching bag (verbally or otherwise) and to generally be a problem. So let them go. Stop hanging out with them, and put plenty of distance between you and them. No matter what that person might say, you know that you don’t deserve what they’re dishing out, so pick up your dignity and hit the road.
There are 7 billion people on the world. You can afford to not hang out with that one again.
5. Your Critics Are Always Right
If someone seriously says that you are some way — if they tell you you’re embarrassing to be around, or if they compare you to someone you hate, or if they say you’re not a very nice person, or whatever — then you are that way. You may not be that way in the core of your being, and you may not want to be that way, and it may be a surprise that you have come off that way, but their perception of you is valid, and you need to accept and deal with that. What did you do that made them think that was true? Where are they coming from with their experience of you that made it seem accurate? Ask yourself (and them) these questions, and see if you can take it as an opportunity for self-improvement.
Don’t do what most people do, which is to take it as an attack that needs to be responded to with anger and yelling. Then you’re just taking an opportunity to make yourself better and replacing it with an opportunity to hurt a your relationship with them.
Now, of course, you need to be sure they’re serious: something said in the middle of a fight or said flippantly doesn’t really qualify. So you need to be sure they’re serious. But if your critic is serious, then your critic is right.
6. Do Hard Stuff for a Change
For some reason, our society tries to ask as little as possible from you. Don’t let it.
It’s hard to make a new friend. It’s hard to vest yourself in a job, or in a project, and to really start to care about it. It’s hard to fight for your career, and to do what needs to be done to advance it. It’s hard to get out of your comfort zone and experience things or listen to people that are totally foreign. It’s hard to demand your dignity, it’s hard to submit to humility, and it’s hard to focus on self-improvement instead of self-destruction.
But, if you do those things, you’ll be happier for it. Take the hard road: that’s where the good stuff is.
7. Let Stuff Go/Suck It Up
Most things aren’t worth the effort we put into them. We get angrier about them than they’re worth, we worry more about them than they’re worth, and we generally ruin ourselves over pittances. Let it go. Not a huge fan of where people are going to lunch? Suck it up and go with them anyway. Try something different. Still angry about something someone said to you years ago? Let it go: the reality is that they probably don’t even remember it. Whatever it is that you’re all hung up on that’s been ruining your decade, just let it go. It’s seriously not worth the effort you’re putting into it.
Along this same vein: you can’t control everything, so don’t try. Let it go. Have some confidence in yourself: you’ll find a way to deal with it — whatever “it” is — when you get to it. Human beings are wonderfully adaptable creatures, and there have been others who have found ways to deal with worse than you will ever see.
So there you are. Hope you’re happy.
Popularity: 100% [?]
But I like being a dick :(
Timely post, Robert.
For me, happiness is basically a synonym for satisfaction. I feel most satisfied when I can get into “flow” and accomplish something, so I’ve been rearranging my days to be more conducive to flow.
Not two hours ago I posted about this to this on my blog.
I hadn’t thought of this while writing my post, but if you graft the flow stuff onto a bastardized “Maslow’s Needs Hierarchy” out posts dovetail: flow moves you up the pyramid, which enables you to be less of a dick, not always be bogged down by work, focus on the big/important, etc.
Good list, Robert. Thanks
Nice post, although you must realize that this is not always as simple as it sounds. We’re “wonderfully adaptable creatures” but as such, we follow complex rules.
You assume a normal scenario, but the seven billion people out there doesn’t share that one.
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Happiness is possible only to a rational man, the man who desires nothing but rational goals, seeks nothing but rational values and finds his joy in nothing but rational actions.
http://www.aynrandlexicon.com/lexicon/happiness.html
Right on the money. This is how I always try to be. And don’t forget to thank God for being so kind to us. Dave
@John Galt
That statement is predicated on — what? The assumption that happiness is a rational thing, or that human beings are fundamentally rational individuals?
@Dave Caylor
There is a whole second list of recommendations that come out of my Christian nature which I didn’t include on this list, and some of those items were on there in an original draft. However, I decided to secularize it for popular consumption, and I did this for a few reasons:
@Martin
This is true. I assume the reader is a victim of a post-modern lifestyle (i.e. something along the lines of what I’ve experienced in the middle-class United States).
Interesting post, thanks.
I have an incident and I’m not sure what the correct response is. I had a couple who were so-called friends and we had a falling out recently. It had been coming for a good while. The male of the two kept on making smirky put-downs about my politics and my experiences with mental problems. He thinks mental illness is an excuse to beg for sympathy and get government aid. I finally blew up and happily ended the relationship with him and his girlfriend. Well, they have a car they’re saving for his son when he gets out of prison and they’ve been keeping it under my carport for two years. They were paying me $25 a month to keep it there, but about six months ago they pretty much quit paying. Well, it’s still there . He has played a couple of hateful and disrespectful games since we broke up. I wonder- should I demand he remove the car? It’s not in the way, but I sort of feel hateful towards him and I wouldn’t mind having it gone. Is this how I should feel?
Great thoughts…. Many of these are familiar, but I am not sure I have ever seen #5 appear on anybody else’s list! What a powerful concept - that it might just be your own fault if someone doesn’t like you….or finds you annoying, or obnoxious…
Good one….
Very good post. Need to send some of my friends this link.
Thanks. I stumbled upon you and you made my day. Sometimes bluntness is really needed… I live in a very rural, isolated community, so it’s easy for me to feel justified in my circumstantial/ netflix/ ipod/ trepidation induced isolation. You reminded me that it takes effort to step out.
Why Didn’t you Just have 1 point.
1. Conform.
@Ben
I’m not sure how you get “conform” out of any of this: mind enlightening me?
Where I’m coming from, I actually intended the exact opposite. “Don’t be a dick” doesn’t mean to not rock the boat — but if you’re trying to rock the boat, then #1 step is going to be to force a dialog, which often means doing grandiose things (see Ghandi and MLK, Jr). Those kinds of efforts, done with respect, don’t make you a dick. “Stop whining” says “If you can do something about it, then put the energy you were going to put into whining into actually fixing it.” “Do hard things for a change” is almost inevitably going to lead you into non-conformance, since the apparently easy road (at least in US society) is to sit on your thumbs and live a quiet life of desperation. Trying to change things is the hard part.
And so on.
@wayne
I’m not an advice columnist, and I don’t know your situation, so I’m not really in a position to help in your particular circumstance. I will say that feeling hateful towards a person and going out of your way to make things difficult for them doesn’t sound like a great plan: quite frankly, it sounds like more trouble than it’s worth. It’s going to cause a lot of frustration and stress for you — in a real sense, what would you get in exchange?
Anyone interested in this post should also check out this one:
How to Give and Receive Criticism
Thanks Dude. That’s pretty much the attitude I’ve had about the thing. The reason the thing came up in my mind was the first on your list about being a dick. I wondered if being a dick about some things was warranted. Thanks for responding to it. I actually try to follow your prescriptions for being happy in my day to day life. I appreciate your time and thought.
Well put. Thanks for the common sense advice.
I guess I do owe you $40.
[...] [LIFEHACKS] Let Me Save You $40: Here’s How to Be Happy, enfranchisedmind.com, via:codinghorror.com [...]
[...] February 6, 2008 · No Comments Seriously. It’s the first rule on this mostly helpful list: how to be happy. [...]
You’d have to be a very shallow aswell as infallible person to keep to these rules.
@noriko
Where do you see “shallow” in any of this? Most of the time, it actually takes a lot more depth to see the underlying cause-and-effect of things instead of just riding the superficial emotional reactions.
As for needing to be an ‘infallible person to keep to these rules’ — these recommendations are ways to change your thinking and habits to pick up, not rules to follow.
Dear MR Fischer,
I think some folks are possibly seeing one or two words and getting quite defensive without putting all the words together to get a complete meaning - I thought the post was great. Basically people - and really this is basic. Not I, nor you (no offense) are perfect and realize that sometimes WE are the problem adding to a situation - we need to look in the mirror on occasion and realize that our attitudes are just that, ‘ours’, we make it what it is, so we can change it by looking at it from a perspective that’s just a little bit further away from the box we all have our own selves in… No you are not perfect (as most definitely neither am I, and yes, sometimes I AM wrong. But I won’t tell you that you are wrong, you must step back and do that your self sometimes. Or I might and when I do, at least think about it before deciding that I’m wrong, we might both be a little off and might both learn a little something - Wow, and it can hurt sometimes too, but how can we improve ourselves, if not but sometimes admit to ourselves that WE are creating most of the negative in our own lives. I could go on rambling, but those of you that get it already have and those of you that don’t will stop reading before you do so that you can post a counter comment that doesn’t make any sense to me. So I’m out for the evening, done with my taxes and feeling pretty good about it. NICE POST Mr Fischer!! I LOVED IT!!
Hey Robert,
Words to live by.
True, this are lovely and easier said than done, but then again, so is living life.
I’m in a precarious place right now. Almost 49, never been married…in a lovely relationship, but it’s a long distance one and that presents it’s own issues and through all of these things, I’m smack dab in the middle of a paradigm shift. My thinking is changing.
My life hasn’t been working..it’s gotten better recently, but still not up to par. I’ve been searching for things that might shed some light on my evolving situation.
Your post will be neatly tucked in my quiver o’ info. I’ll refer to it many times in the coming weeks and months.
Thank you for illuminating my path a bit more, Robert. You’re an unwitting contributor in the continuing education of Laurie Kendrick.
And right now, I’m learning that life and all that that entails, requires time. I’m guilty of not taking enough of it.
And the fact that I’ve lived so much of my life flying through it at the speed of sound has taught me so many things’. Life…my life anyway, is certainly more than the accoutrement that makes it shiny.
Life is about effort and earning the right to love and be loved. What really gives life its utmost beauty, are the things we have to polish ourselves.
With gratitude,
Laurie Kendrick
Lol.. so true.. thanx!!
But what if your critics are being dicks?
Ok, that’s a facetious way of putting it, but it’s a real question. What if the person who’s telling you that you’re embarrassing to be around (to use an example in the post) is feeling that way because of his or her own insecurities (which is what’s behind embarrassment 99% of the time in the first place)? What if critics disagree with each other? Can they all be right?
More important (and less nitpickingly), what if your critics don’t share your values?
In general I agree with the post and think it’s good advice. But that one’s a serious sticking point. Learn to take constructive criticism from people you trust, YES. But automatically assuming all your critics are always right, ahem, NO.
All very good observations. As for me, I live by the golden rule. Like it says in the Bible, The Koran, And in Mad Magazine, “Happiness is a Warm Gun, Bang, Bang; Shoot, Shoot Oh Yeah…”
@leesajay
More important (and less nitpickingly), what if your critics don’t share your values?
That’s a just fine statement. Taking a critic seriously, realizing that they’re making their statement because they’re coming from some place different than where you are, and accepting that fact is fine. You don’t have to do whatever your critics say, but you need to at least take them seriously.
The point of that item is simply that you shouldn’t dismiss your critics out of hand or get mad at them for “being crazy”. They’re coming from some kind of position that is valid to their understanding, and that you need to take seriously for self-improvement.
The problem with limiting your “constructive criticism” to “people you trust” is that we only tend to consider it “constructive criticism” if we already agree with it, and those “people you trust” are usually people who hold similar values to you. So people (myself most definitely included) can easily be lulled into a false sense of security by hearing how great we are from the people around us. It’s the people who don’t like you who really get at your weaknesses.
[...] insightful comments, I’ve decided that my last post on Ruby came a bit too close to violating my own rule #1. It has also left people with the impression that I just hate Ruby and Rails and metaprogramming, [...]
[...] fielding alt.wesley.crusher.die.die.die hate mail. I actually sent him an e-mail asking if it was from my post on how to be happy, but it seems like [...]
Robert, you said: “There is a whole second list of recommendations that come out of my Christian nature which I didn’t include on this list, and some of those items were on there in an original draft. However, I decided to secularize it for popular consumption…”
I recommend changing #1 to read “Stop Being a Jerk.” Nothing wrong with secularizing for popular consumption, but my feeling is that your readers could only benefit from language that is a bit less crude.
@jethro
I chose the word I used very intentionally. I talked through this with my wife before I posted it: she had a similar concern. It’s a totally valid concern. However, I’m sticking to that same language. The fact of the matter is that it wouldn’t have the same effect without that crude language, which means the readers wouldn’t even exist, which means they’re not going to benefit at all.
And, really, we’ve got a lot of bigger sins and strife to address before we worry about 5 or 6 “dick”s.
By that logic, interjecting additional four letter words and a few nude photos would have really drawn a crowd.
I’m sorry, but your wife was right. I call rule #5.
@jethro
That argumentation style is called “strawman”: if you’re going to debate with someone, debate with me, not with some exaggerated actor you’ve invented. I think you and I both know that there’s a balance between using the phrase “being a dick” to describe a particular kind of action and throwing nudie pix up on my blog or using rampant vulgarity.
And, yes, you are right. The use of any vulgar word — even something as pervasive and lackluster as “dick” — is dragging down the conversation to an extent: I certainly invite comments like the first one I got by using that kind of language. And, to a certain extent, I am capitulating to the tone of the internet and being counterproductive regarding another goal of mine, which is more intelligent, civil conversation on the internet.
With those criticisms in mind, I’m going ahead with my current approach. “Stop Being a Jerk” just doesn’t have the same effect, and I’m willing to take the hit on tone in order to get the effect I’m looking for.
BTW — The point with rule #5, which people seem to keep missing, is not that you should capitulate to criticism, but that you need to take criticism seriously. Reality isn’t a zero-sum game: it’s possible for them to be right, and for you to be right, too. You just need to understand the approach/viewpoint/paradigm/whatever where they are right, and take that into consideration when you’re generating your self-identity. Rule #5 is explicitly not equivalent to “Please everyone all the time” or “Do what your peers tell you to do”.
@jethro
“Nothing wrong with secularizing for popular consumption, but my feeling is that your readers could only benefit from language that is a bit less crude.”
BTW, I actually find the secularization to be a more angsty challenge than the vulgarity. If I’m Christian, I should speak from a Christian standpoint, even if it’s less popular. By removing those Christian points, I was basically acquiescing to a secular dominance of moral discussion, which is bogus. The moral conversation absolutely shouldn’t be secular — it doesn’t need to be isolated to a single faith (e.g.), but it should be grounded in a general understanding of the spiritual/religious nature that people bring forward.
@JohnGalt, @RobertFischer
very funny. (FYI: John Galt is a character from Atlas Shrugged)
Actionable info on a mooshy (but critical) topic with swearing?
I’m in love.
But don’t be crapping on my Oprah. She’s doing the dirty work of disseminating info to the masses; must needs cut her some slack.
Aaaaaand…stumbled!
I loved this post. Subscribed. Keep writing cool stuff. :)
This is awesome. And totally true. Well said!
[...] blog posts ever, linked to by @Pistachio, and felt that I had to share it. It’s titled Let Me Save You $40: Here’s How to Be Happy. Its approach to happiness is so pragmatic that it’s shocking. Go ahead, take three minutes [...]
Great great article. Could have used this list to advise my actions last week. I was in a Twitter quarrel with an individual who decided my opinion was wrong, and instead of doing as you suggest - let it go - I reacted negatively and prolonged and worsened the argument. It has left a sour taste in my mouth all week, not least because of the mutual decision to drop/block twitter accts. #1, #2, and #4 would have been very pertinent advice in this case.
One thought though. As humans, we are emotional creatures. Our subconscious controls much more of our behavior than ‘beasts’ who act out of instinct or sheer will to survive. Beasts dont react emotionally. Regarding #7 and to a small extent #2, it is so easy to emotionally get ourselves sucked into these situations before we even realize we are doing it. And if we are attacked or insulted, as I was in this case, it is a natural knee-jerk emotional reaction to fight back. We want to defend our honor, stand up for ourselves, as this is what we have been programmed sociologically to do.
Anyway, I’m printing this to serve as a reminder for future confrontations. And as a catalyst to take on bigger challenges.
cheers
@adam
Yup. Being a human being means we spend a lot of time being self-destructive, either because our society is telling us it’s fun to be self-destructive (you NEED a $300 iPod, Mr. College Student…), or because that behavior was a great idea before the existence of society.
It sucks, but it’s true. :P
[...] Enfranchised Mind » Let Me Save You $40: Here’s How to Be Happy [...]
I like #3: this is also so, so important. We are online to connect with people so that should not be any different offline. Although for introverts like me, online is easier :) Also good to reconnect back up with yourself and definitely UNPLUG once in a while. It’s good for you and also good for the planet.
That is some good stuff right there.
Being a passive-aggressive dick can be fun but i hate it when people do it to me.
Are you really happy?
@Murat Yilmaz
I’m happier when I follow these rules than when I don’t. So it’s at least a start.
Got some other and/or better suggestions?
BTW, for those still paying attention, I’ve got a little reward for you.
Remember this line:
“Seriously. Just stop. Even when other people are being dicks. Just stop.”
And then see the skit here:
http://weblog.raganwald.com/2008/03/what-to-do-about-imperative-programming.html
Excellent advice.
I agree, if you had based it on a specific faith, you change the nature of the piece from one of sensible advice to one of preaching. Those of us that are non-believers certainly may regard that as preaching anyway and that, I suspect, wasn’t your purpose.
Do you have the keys to their car? Drive it to their house and park it out front. No keys? Put it in neutral, back it on to the road, call the city to tow it. Sounds like you’re better off without those people, and why would you store a car for them?
I love this excellent and simple advice! Number 1 in particular. I wish people would follow this advice.
Note to people commenting from your friendly moderator:
If you leave an inflammatory comment via an anonymous e-mail address, I’m not going to allow it, even if it’s a valid point.
Starting a discussion is one thing. Fly-by crapping on people is just annoying.